Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Packing and Unpacking: The Fieldwork Life

I've always wanted a job where I can travel while working. Right after my graduation from the university, a former professor asked me to join her on field for a project where she was a head and I said "Yes" without a second thought. Two weeks thereafter, I was on field in the mountain provinces. I was young and full of ideals. I easily got disappointed with myself as well as with the most of the scenario. I was full of expectations that were not really met during the fieldwork. I loved the experience of meeting people, talking to people, walking, traveling and getting endlessly awed by the beauty of nature and the people's ideas and personalities. The disappointment, however, made me think twice of whether I should pursue research as a career.

When I got back from field, I opted to apply for an office-based work to see how it goes. I applied in Manila, got hired, got sick, and ended up in a hospital back home. After I got out of the hospital, I got in touch with my old boss when I was a student and fell into my old job: writing home-based. While working home-based is convenient, it kind of developed into a routine and it wasn't long before I got bored. I wanted to be outdoors again. I then searched the weekly paper for job openings and found something interesting: legal transcriptionist. I applied, I got hired. It became a routine again. It wasn't long before I felt like I need to get out or I'll die of boredom. It was then that I decided to go back to school. I applied for a graduate degree at the university. My thesis adviser, a renowned professor very kindly agreed to give me a recommendation letter. My academic load adviser/former professor doubted I can finish the degree and actually told me when she gave me my recommendation letter: "Oy, tapusin mo yan ah." (Finish the degree). The other recommendation letter came from a mentor/friend/adviser of a university program of which I was a member. He gave me my letter and told me I was making a very wise decision.

I didn't even get the chance to disappoint my academic load/ former professor because I abandoned all plans of getting an MA and instead applied for law school. My first choice was in Manila. I had reservations about the location of the campus and the terrible heat. I, along with my friend, found ourselves enrolling at a university based in the city where I live. I should be given a loyalty award for not leaving the city even for education even as most of my friends did. It sometimes makes me feel sheltered because my parents prefer it this way, anyway.

Law school was a roller coaster ride. It drove me almost over the edge that I had to find something unrelated to it and something where I can feel my self-worth again or I would would go insane. As luck would have it, a former professor asked me if I was free to work as a research assistant. I explained that I can but it would only be for half a day each work day. They told me I can work flexi-time. I grabbed the opportunity and saw it as a way to detoxify from law school. It was a month before the semestral break when I started working as a research assistant. By some twist of fate, the other research assistant found a bigger opportunity and resigned from her job. My former professor needed someone to do some fieldwork for them and asked me if I wanted to do it during the semestral break. Again, I said "Yes," after explaining that I had plans for during the break and there would be days I won't be able to be on field. They said it was okay as long as there were days when I can do actual fieldwork. We arranged my schedule and three days after my last examination, I was off to fieldwork.

I was going to places I've never been to and I was going alone. Luckily, I had friends living in two of those places and another lived near one of my other fieldwork assignment. The first stop was in Tabuk, Kalinga. The work there involved some waiting time so I spent that time wandering about in the city with two of my friends. I got introduced to an irrigation and how people would sometimes take a bath in there. It was something I never saw in my life until then.

While my friend was telling me this is what an irrigation looks like, I was more interested in a man taking a bath in the irrigation canal completely naked and without a care in the world. 

My next stop was in Lagawe, Ifugao. I didn't get a chance to tour around the place and all I saw were buildings and structures. Apparently, the nature tripping spots were at the outskirts. I basically stayed inside the inn all night and all for half-a-day arranging the data I gathered. It was during my data-arranging moment that a parade passed by near the inn and I quickly grabbed my camera to take a picture. 

The parade seemed so out of place in the marketplace where my inn was located. 

I went home to dear old Baguio after Lagawe, had a two-day rest and then I was packing once more for a quick vacation trip to Palawan. After I got back from Palawan, I only had a day to unpack my things and then pack for Abra, my final fieldwork destination. I stayed in Bangued. It was pretty much like Tabuk City. It was so much like what I learned in history: the way the Spaniards strategically located the church as the center of the town and forming the communities under the sound of the bell (I forgot the Spanish term). So there was the church then the town plaza. I also didn't get a chance to tour around the place having arrived late in the afternoon. I only got a chance to take a quick bath then proceed to the office I was tasked to gather data from. It was only on my way back home that I was able to take pictures from the window of the bus. 
The town plaza from the bus window. A quick capture. 

All in all, I had fun riding the bus, touring, observing people, observing places. I'd love to visit Kalinga, Ifugao and Abra again in the future. Maybe I can try some of the delicacies and other activities they offer. I hate being a tourist in my own country but it's a good way to explore and to learn. The good thing about traveling being a part of the job is that you don't have to be a tourist and you avoid acting like one with your main purpose in mind being work. 

The travel took my mind off  the stress of law school, grades, and other depressing thoughts. I had time to think while on the bus on what to do, though. It was not enough time but it was time I got to listen to my inner self. It may not have resulted to ultimate enlightenment but it helped in sorting my plans and feelings out. 



Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lakbay Diwa

Masarap magtapos sa isa sa mga kilalang pamantasan sa buong Pilipinas. Pakiramdam mo madami kang natutunan, madami kang pagpipilian, makukuha ka sa lahat ng trabahong aaplayan mo, at higit sa lahat, makakatulong ka sa pagkakaroon ng pagbabago sa bulok na sistema ng lipunan. Dala-dala ang ideyalismo na yan, pakakawalan ka ng Unibersidad ng Pilipinas sa napakagulo at masalimuot na mundo. Napakalayo sa pinag-aralan mong "dapat" sa loob ng unibersidad.

Nung ako ang nagtapos, dala-dala ko pa din ang idealismong ipinunla sa akin ng UP. Ang unang trabaho ko pagkagradweyt ay swak na swak sa tinapos kong kurso: ang maging field interviewer para sa isang proyekto ng UNFPA na ikinomisyon sa UP. Ang trabahong ito ay inalok sakin ng instruktor ko dahil siya ang humawak sa proyektong ito. Sa kasamaang palad, nadismaya ako sa naging takbo ng mga pangyayari. Sobrang pagkadismaya din ang inabot ko sa mga sumunod kong trabaho. Nagdesisyon akong balikan ang akademya. Baka kako dito ko matagpuan ang hinahanap ko. Nagsumite ako ng aplikasyon sa UP para sa Masters in International Studies. Humingi ako at binigyan naman ng rekomendasyon ng tatlo sa mga pinakamagagaling na mga propesor sa UP Baguio. Isa dito ay isang Professor Emeritus. Hindi ko itinuloy ang pagkuha ng Master's Degree, sinayang ko ang magagandang rekomendasyon, ang pagod ng mga nagrekomenda at ang pera na ginastos ko sa pagproproseso ng aplikasyon. Sa halip, nagbayad ako at nagproseso ng mga kailangan para sa entrance exam ng PUP College of Law. Nung hayskul pangarap kong maging abogado dahil sa tatay ko. Nalaman ko noon na kumuha siya ng law pero hindi niya tinapos dahil nabuntis ang nanay ko at mas pinili niyang magtrabaho para may ipakain sa pamilya niya. Humanga at bumilib ako sa desisyon niya kaya nagpasya akong ako ang tutupad sa pangarap niya. Kaya naman nung magtapos ako ng kolehiyo ay muli niyang inungkat ang pagkuha ng abogasya. Nung mga panahong yun ay hindi pa ako handa. Bukod sa wala kaming pera ay napagod ako sa pag-aaral. Sabi ko magpapahinga muna ako. Pagkatapos ng isang taon ng pagkadismaya sa trabaho at sa pakiramdam na walang pinatutunguhan ang buhay ko, nagpasya akong sumubok na. At ayun nga, PUP College of Law ang una akong pili. Kaso napaisip ako nung makita ko ang paaralan. Malayo sa kinagisnan kong medyo mas ligtas na kalagayan ng Baguio. Pakiramdam ko ang lawak ng Maynila at mawawala ako. Napakamahal ng lahat ng bilihin at madalas na palipat-lipat ng sasakyan. Hindi ko kakayanin. Nagpasya akong huwag nang tumuloy sa pagkuha ng entrance exam sa PUP at sa halip ay dito na lang sa Baguio mag-aral. Ayun, pinili ko ang SLU School of Law. 

Dalawang linggo pa lang sa School of Law noon ay gusto ko na magwithdraw ng enrollment. Dinadaga ako. Pakiramdam ko wala akong natutunan nung undergrad. Hindi ako marunong magmemorize at laging palyado sa recitation. Sanay akong magbasa at magproseso, hindi magsaulo. Ang laging banat ng mga instruktor: "Give me what the law says." Ibig sabihin, verbatim. Huwag mong baguhin ayon sa pagkakaintindi mo ang batas. Ibigay mo ang provision word by word kung yun ang hiningi at kung ano ang sinabi ng author ng librong binasa mo kung humingi sila ng paliwanag. Ang katwiran: yung mga nagsulat ng libro ay mga justice o dating justice ng Korte Suprema. Alam nila ang sinasabi nila. Bawal bumuo ng opinyon, maliban na lamang kung ito ay ihahayag mo sa pamamagitang ng pagtatanong na minsan ay hindi masasagot ng instruktor dahil iba ang naintindihan niya sa tanong mo at mahirap na ipaliwanag o ipaintinti kung ano ba talaga yung tinanong mo. Bawal matulog ng lagpas sa limang oras. Gamitin ang oras na gising ka sa pagbabasa. Huwag mo na pakialaman ang mga usapang nagaganap sa hapag-kainan. Magbasa ka ng magbasa ng magbasa kasi kapag nasa klase ka na ay mapapadasal ka ng todo todo. 

Pagkatapos ng isang buong taon sa pag-aaral ng batas, napaisip ako. Ito ba talaga ay para sa akin? Hindi ko naiintindihan madalas ang mga leksyon. Mabababa ang mga nakukuha ko maliban na lang sa Legal Ethics (Naks! Ideal eh) at Environmental Law (naks ulit! ideal pa din eh). Sablay na sa iba. May dalawang linggo na ang nakakalipas nang napag-usapan namin ng kaibigan ko ang tungkol dito. Gradweyt din siya ng UP at sa UP Diliman pa. Siya ng nanguna sa dean's list nung unang semestre at maganda pa din naman ang performance niya sa sumunod na semestre. Kaso nararamdaman niya din ang pag-aalinlangan na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nasa tamang landas ba ako? Umabot na kami sa punto na humihingi ng senyales. Parehong kaming may natanggap na senyales na maaring ang ibig sabihin ay "hindi para sa'yo ito." Pinabasa niya sakin ang commencement speech ni Atty. Darlene Marie Bernabe. Binasa ko naman. 


Ang nasa isip ko pagkatapos basahin ang napagandang speech ni Atty. Bernabe:

1. Napakalaki ang hinihingi at inaasahan sa isang gradweyt ng UP, lalo na yung mga old rate (tulad ko na hindi lumagpas sa 5K ang binabayarang tuition bawat semestre)

2. Tama si Atty. Bernabe, kapag nadapa ay pwede pang bumangon at ipagpatuloy ang laban. Ang problema, walang pampaaral sakin ang magulang ko para sa master's. Hindi din ako honor student tulad niya na malamang ay madaming alok na magagandang trabaho. 

3. Tama din na pwedeng panatilihin ang prinsipyo at manindigan. (humanda ka nga lang sa maaring maging consequence ng paninindigan mo. mapulitika ang lahat ng hanay ng gobyerno at lahat ng organisasyon).

4. Mahirap talaga ng law school. (honor student na siya nun ah, nakaramdam pa din siya ng takot).

5. Mag-isip. Magbreak. Mag-isip. 

Sa ngayon may ilang araw na lang ako para pag-isipan kung itutuloy ko ba ang pag-aaral ng abogasya. Kailangan kong maramdaman na may kabuluhan ang pakikipagbuno ko sa lahat ng hirap sa law school. Kailangan kong maramdaman na igagapang ko ito dahil gusto ko at hindi dahil nahihiya na lang ako o natatakot sa sasabihin ng iba. 

Samantalang naiisip ko din: kapag tumigil ako (pansamantala man o pang-forevermore na), ano ang gagawin ko? Babalik ako sa mga trabahong ikinadismaya ko? Makakahanap ba ako ng mas magandang trabaho? Pagsisisihan ko ba ang gagawin ko?

Ano man ang magin pasya ko, umaasa akong paninindigan ko ito. 

Para sa lahat ng nasa parehong sitwasyon, kampay! Malayo pa ang lalakbayin pero natitiyak kong makakarating din tayo! =D

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm Home

I am sheltered. That statement is true to some extent. I have realized this a few years back but refused to believe it's true. Instead, I made myself believe that I am independent and fearless. That is not totally true. I have been away from home lots of times for more than a day but my parents never stop getting in touch each day that I'm away. They text, they call and during the times that I do not own a cellphone, they text and call whoever I'm with at the time I am away.

Back in high school, we came back from a fieldtrip so tired that we decided to crash in our classrooms for the night and go home in the morning. I texted my parents that it's impossible to get a cab because it's too late in the night so I'm going to crash in one of the rooms with some of my classmates. A few minutes after I've finally fallen asleep, dad and mom woke me up. I thought I was dreaming. But they're there picking me up because they were worried I'd be sleeping on the concrete floor with no blanket, which is true enough. However, it's a little annoying and embarassing to be the only high school kid in your whole class whose parents came and picked you up and you're not even sickly, sick or dying.

Whenever I go on out of town trips, my parents are the only ones asking me how I am every after meal and then telling me to come home the morning of the day of my scheduled return. While it's sweet, it can really be irritating. I know I can handle myself and I am not at all fragile. Somehow, my staying in my parent's house to this day (I'm freaking 23 years old) makes them think I am still five years old. I tried to live away from them but I did get sick. I went home, got hospitalized and they won't allow me to go away again so I quit my job and went back home. Until now, I know I have to stay with my parents because 1) I save a lot on food and bills, 2) I'm in my comfort zone, 3) I'm going to grad school and I need financial support.

Don't get me wrong. I think my parents are sweet and I know they only want to protect me. However, I believe that teaching a bird how to fly would require that the bird leave the nest and take a few falls in order to  be able to spread its wings without flapping awkawardly and falling again. No matter how hard it is for a mother bird to let go of her little birdies, they have to fly and learn to fend for themselves because it's a fact of life that our parents won't always be here for us. I fear that the only time I can ever leave home permanently is when I get married and have kids of my own and I don't want that to be the case. I really hope not. I'm sheltered but I want to break free soon or else I will never know if I can make it on my own and that's really scary. I'm home right where my parents are but I know I'll have to make my own home in some other place.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Good for Nothing Bad

I'm starting a new philosophy
It's called good for nothing bad
I'm tired of hearing gunshots
As the cries grow worse than sad

I'm raising my fist in defiance
I can't stand more blood spilled
While they fight for freedom
And get mercilessly killed

And others just want to help
Take a step to extend a hand
Guns are nonetheless directed
And they get buried underground

And the earth is slowly dying
While we waste our lives away
We're warned 'bout global warming
Yet we shrug and have nothing to say

So let's start a new philosophy
We're good for nothing bad
Let's take a stand against violence
With the armor of peace, get clad

Yes, everyone will die someday
Of that I know for certain
But 'tis no reason to waste life away
And someday drown in regret and pain

Life is short and yes we know that
Don't let it be good for nothing
Don't let your final days be 
Of endless guilt and suffering

So the good Lord help me stand up
Raise my fist against inhumanity
Give me a voice to shout in anger
Give me justice, fairness and equality

And let these words be open-ended
Such that others may write more lines
Of every principle they want to stand for
As they break out of their confines

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Hungkag

Kailan kaya muling mahahanapan ng kulay
ang tanawin habang naglalakbay
ang kulisap, tutubi at paru-paru
ang ulan, araw, ang mga bato?

Kailan muling ang aking mga titik
ay patutungkol sa bawat hagikhik,
bawat hinagpis, bawat halakhak
bawat pagdurusa at bawat palakpak?

Tuluyan na bang nawala
ang mga araw na ang paglikha ng tula
ay hindi dahil bayad ng iba
o di naman kaya'y kanilang dikta?

Tuluyan na bang mamamaalam
sa lahat ng dati'y inaasam-asam
ngayo'y manunulat sa likod ng iba
at ang bawat titik ay bayad na nila.


(orihinal na nilikha noong Hunyo 20, 2010)

Drowning in Regret

Originally written on December 14, 2009. When I wrote this poem I was becoming too aware of lots of unrequited love around me. Mostly, the stories were what I call an "ex factor" where person A falls for person B but person B can't let go of an ex. The poem is really from the person A's point of view. In an unrequited love, a person often suffers watching the love interest not wanting to let go of a past love and still, he/she waits, watches and begs for the person to let go and notice him/her and then end up begging for the heavens to help him/herself let go of the love interest in due time. I don't even know why I'm explaining but people may read it in a different light and totally misinterpret it so I wanted to give some kind of a backgrounder. hehehe.

Drowning in regret 
Will you ever see me
Standing, waiting
While you're drowning in regret

Flickering lights
Hides the tears falling
From innocent eyes
Terrible lies

And you can never let go
Not even if I asked you to
Not if you don't see me
Standing, waiting

Someday, I'll say goodbye
I'll let go of this someday
Will you realize?
I'm saying goodbye

You

You want to put things together
I like to take them apart
You're there on every bad weather
Playing the strings of my heart

Your song keeps playing
On every emotional crash
And my heart starts singing
With every lyrical rush

You're a complicated puzzle
And you say you're really not
But you say one thing is simple
And it leaves my thoughts in a knot

You're a constant picture
That haunts my daydream sketches
Though I know you're heading elsewhere
And not where my path stretches

I know I'm making every damn word rhyme
Though you're not meant to read it
I know I'm running out of time
Yet I'll let it run out frozen where I sit

(20 March 2011)