I'm Home

I am sheltered. That statement is true to some extent. I have realized this a few years back but refused to believe it's true. Instead, I made myself believe that I am independent and fearless. That is not totally true. I have been away from home lots of times for more than a day but my parents never stop getting in touch each day that I'm away. They text, they call and during the times that I do not own a cellphone, they text and call whoever I'm with at the time I am away.

Back in high school, we came back from a fieldtrip so tired that we decided to crash in our classrooms for the night and go home in the morning. I texted my parents that it's impossible to get a cab because it's too late in the night so I'm going to crash in one of the rooms with some of my classmates. A few minutes after I've finally fallen asleep, dad and mom woke me up. I thought I was dreaming. But they're there picking me up because they were worried I'd be sleeping on the concrete floor with no blanket, which is true enough. However, it's a little annoying and embarassing to be the only high school kid in your whole class whose parents came and picked you up and you're not even sickly, sick or dying.

Whenever I go on out of town trips, my parents are the only ones asking me how I am every after meal and then telling me to come home the morning of the day of my scheduled return. While it's sweet, it can really be irritating. I know I can handle myself and I am not at all fragile. Somehow, my staying in my parent's house to this day (I'm freaking 23 years old) makes them think I am still five years old. I tried to live away from them but I did get sick. I went home, got hospitalized and they won't allow me to go away again so I quit my job and went back home. Until now, I know I have to stay with my parents because 1) I save a lot on food and bills, 2) I'm in my comfort zone, 3) I'm going to grad school and I need financial support.

Don't get me wrong. I think my parents are sweet and I know they only want to protect me. However, I believe that teaching a bird how to fly would require that the bird leave the nest and take a few falls in order to  be able to spread its wings without flapping awkawardly and falling again. No matter how hard it is for a mother bird to let go of her little birdies, they have to fly and learn to fend for themselves because it's a fact of life that our parents won't always be here for us. I fear that the only time I can ever leave home permanently is when I get married and have kids of my own and I don't want that to be the case. I really hope not. I'm sheltered but I want to break free soon or else I will never know if I can make it on my own and that's really scary. I'm home right where my parents are but I know I'll have to make my own home in some other place.

Good for Nothing Bad

I'm starting a new philosophy

It's called good for nothing bad

I'm tired of hearing gunshots

As the cries grow worse than sad

I'm raising my fist in defiance

I can't stand more blood spilled

While they fight for freedom

And get mercilessly killed

And others just want to help

Take a step to extend a hand

Guns are nonetheless directed

And they get buried underground

And the earth is slowly dying

While we waste our lives away

We're warned 'bout global warming

Yet we shrug and have nothing to say

So let's start a new philosophy

We're good for nothing bad

Let's take a stand against violence

With the armor of peace, get clad

Yes, everyone will die someday

Of that I know for certain

But 'tis no reason to waste life away

And someday drown in regret and pain

Life is short and yes we know that

Don't let it be good for nothing

Don't let your final days be 

Of endless guilt and suffering

So the good Lord help me stand up

Raise my fist against inhumanity

Give me a voice to shout in anger

Give me justice, fairness and equality

And let these words be open-ended

Such that others may write more lines

Of every principle they want to stand for

As they break out of their confines

Hungkag

Kailan kaya muling mahahanapan ng kulay
ang tanawin habang naglalakbay
ang kulisap, tutubi at paru-paru
ang ulan, araw, ang mga bato?

Kailan muling ang aking mga titik
ay patutungkol sa bawat hagikhik,
bawat hinagpis, bawat halakhak
bawat pagdurusa at bawat palakpak?

Tuluyan na bang nawala
ang mga araw na ang paglikha ng tula
ay hindi dahil bayad ng iba
o di naman kaya'y kanilang dikta?

Tuluyan na bang mamamaalam
sa lahat ng dati'y inaasam-asam
ngayo'y manunulat sa likod ng iba
at ang bawat titik ay bayad na nila.

(orihinal na nilikha noong Hunyo 20, 2010)

Drowning in Regret

Originally written on December 14, 2009. When I wrote this poem I was becoming too aware of lots of unrequited love around me. Mostly, the stories were what I call an "ex factor" where person A falls for person B but person B can't let go of an ex. The poem is really from the person A's point of view. In an unrequited love, a person often suffers watching the love interest not wanting to let go of a past love and still, he/she waits, watches and begs for the person to let go and notice him/her and then end up begging for the heavens to help him/herself let go of the love interest in due time. I don't even know why I'm explaining but people may read it in a different light and totally misinterpret it so I wanted to give some kind of a backgrounder. hehehe.

Drowning in regret 
Will you ever see me
Standing, waiting
While you're drowning in regret

Flickering lights
Hides the tears falling
From innocent eyes
Terrible lies

And you can never let go
Not even if I asked you to
Not if you don't see me
Standing, waiting

Someday, I'll say goodbye
I'll let go of this someday
Will you realize?
I'm saying goodbye

You

You want to put things together

I like to take them apart

You're there on every bad weather

Playing the strings of my heart

Your song keeps playing

On every emotional crash

And my heart starts singing

With every lyrical rush

You're a complicated puzzle

And you say you're really not

But you say one thing is simple

And it leaves my thoughts in a knot

You're a constant picture

That haunts my daydream sketches

Though I know you're heading elsewhere

And not where my path stretches

I know I'm making every damn word rhyme

Though you're not meant to read it

I know I'm running out of time

Yet I'll let it run out frozen where I sit

(20 March 2011)

Bakit Nga Ba?

Bakit nga ba ang hirap na magsulat? Dahil kaya wala na akong nararanasang kasulat-sulat o dahil hindi ko kayang magsulat na walang bayad? Dahil sa puna ng isang kaibigan na inaamag na ang aking blog account, muli kong susubukan. Baka sakali, paunti-unting babalik ang kahusayan ko sa pagsusulat.

***

Wala na bang takot sa AIDS sa panahong ito? Maya't-maya ay nakakarinig ako ng balitang buntis si ganto o nakabuntis si ganyan. Tuwing bumibili ako sa grocery at sa butika, napapansin ko naman na laging may bentang condom. Kadalasan pa nga ay nakalagay ang mga ito sa tabi ng kahera para madali mo na lang patagong isingit sa mga bibilhin mo kapag magbabayad ka na. Oo, bagama't laganap na ang pornograpiya sa panahong ito, nandoon pa rin yung "hiya" sa pagbili ng mga bagay na magbibigay ng ideya sa mga tao sa paligid mo na ikaw ay "sexually active." Lalong "nakakahiyang" bumili ng condom kung teenager ka dahil sa lipunang ginagalawan natin, "nakakahiya" ang makipagsiping kung ikaw ay nasa edad na may "teen" dahil sa maraming kadahilanan. 

Samantalang, wala naman tayong nagagawa upang pigilan ang paglaganap ng pornograpiya. Tuwing manonood ka ng telebisyon, makakakita ka ng patalastas ng isang babaeng nakadamit ng napaigsi at kaakit-akit na hahalik sa isang lalaking makisig at may magandang kaha. Madalas, hindi mo maintindihan kung ang iniendorso ay toothpaste ba o pakikipagtalik. Laganap din ito sa mga pelikula, kanta, komiks, internet, at halos lahat ng uri ng medya kung hindi man lahat. Dumadami ang nabubuntis dahil sa pre-marital sex at pabata ng pabata ang kaswalidad, dumadami ang mga napapbalitang ni-rape, dumadami ang mga batang lansangan, nagiging aktibo ang mga abortion clinics at napakarami pang istatiska ang pwedeng ikabit sa pornograpiya. Sa kabila ng lahat, napakahirap i-endorso ng condom o kahit anong uri ng kontraseptibo.

Bakit ko nga ba naisip magsulat ng tungkol dito? Dahil...

Ah, huwag na lang kaya nating tapusin ang sagot. Mahaba, nakakapagod at paulit-ulit. Ngayon, kung may magtatanong pa sa akin kung bakit ako walang boypren, eto ang sagot ko: sa panahon ngayon, tiyak pag nagkaboypren ka darating ang punto na sa Eurotel, Sogo at iba pang kapareho ang magiging paborito niyong tambayan. Tiyak, maprepressure kang maganda ang suot mong underwear araw-araw. Tiyak magkakaroon ng punto na hindi na niyo maiisip gumamit ng kontraseptibo at magpapadala na lang sa init ng katawan. Para sigurado, gusto kong maging handa bago ako sumabak sa ganitong bakbakan. Bago boypren, gusto ko mayroon na akong bahay, lupa, kotse, maganda at stable na trabaho na may mataas na sweldo, magandang health insurance kung sakaling madali ako ng AIDS, at higit sa lahat, malaking ipon para sa kinabukasan ng batang tiyak na mabubuo sa isang gabi ng pagkakamaling hindi gumamit ng kahit na anong kontraseptibo. 

Gayunpaman, hindi ko sinasabing ito na talaga ang mangyayari. Ang sinasabi ko lang, ito ang gusto ko dahil ito, para sa akin, ang tama. Kung sakaling hindi ko man matupad kahit isa sa mga yan at nagpadala ako sa pusok at init, sana kahit magandang health insurance lang meron ako. Takot talaga ako sa AIDS eh.