Packing and Unpacking: The Fieldwork Life

I've always wanted a job where I can travel while working. Right after my graduation from the university, a former professor asked me to join her on field for a project where she was a head and I said "Yes" without a second thought. Two weeks thereafter, I was on field in the mountain provinces. I was young and full of ideals. I easily got disappointed with myself as well as with the most of the scenario. I was full of expectations that were not really met during the fieldwork. I loved the experience of meeting people, talking to people, walking, traveling and getting endlessly awed by the beauty of nature and the people's ideas and personalities. The disappointment, however, made me think twice of whether I should pursue research as a career.

When I got back from field, I opted to apply for an office-based work to see how it goes. I applied in Manila, got hired, got sick, and ended up in a hospital back home. After I got out of the hospital, I got in touch with my old boss when I was a student and fell into my old job: writing home-based. While working home-based is convenient, it kind of developed into a routine and it wasn't long before I got bored. I wanted to be outdoors again. I then searched the weekly paper for job openings and found something interesting: legal transcriptionist. I applied, I got hired. It became a routine again. It wasn't long before I felt like I need to get out or I'll die of boredom. It was then that I decided to go back to school. I applied for a graduate degree at the university. My thesis adviser, a renowned professor very kindly agreed to give me a recommendation letter. My academic load adviser/former professor doubted I can finish the degree and actually told me when she gave me my recommendation letter: "Oy, tapusin mo yan ah." (Finish the degree). The other recommendation letter came from a mentor/friend/adviser of a university program of which I was a member. He gave me my letter and told me I was making a very wise decision.

I didn't even get the chance to disappoint my academic load/ former professor because I abandoned all plans of getting an MA and instead applied for law school. My first choice was in Manila. I had reservations about the location of the campus and the terrible heat. I, along with my friend, found ourselves enrolling at a university based in the city where I live. I should be given a loyalty award for not leaving the city even for education even as most of my friends did. It sometimes makes me feel sheltered because my parents prefer it this way, anyway.

Law school was a roller coaster ride. It drove me almost over the edge that I had to find something unrelated to it and something where I can feel my self-worth again or I would would go insane. As luck would have it, a former professor asked me if I was free to work as a research assistant. I explained that I can but it would only be for half a day each work day. They told me I can work flexi-time. I grabbed the opportunity and saw it as a way to detoxify from law school. It was a month before the semestral break when I started working as a research assistant. By some twist of fate, the other research assistant found a bigger opportunity and resigned from her job. My former professor needed someone to do some fieldwork for them and asked me if I wanted to do it during the semestral break. Again, I said "Yes," after explaining that I had plans for during the break and there would be days I won't be able to be on field. They said it was okay as long as there were days when I can do actual fieldwork. We arranged my schedule and three days after my last examination, I was off to fieldwork.

I was going to places I've never been to and I was going alone. Luckily, I had friends living in two of those places and another lived near one of my other fieldwork assignment. The first stop was in Tabuk, Kalinga. The work there involved some waiting time so I spent that time wandering about in the city with two of my friends. I got introduced to an irrigation and how people would sometimes take a bath in there. It was something I never saw in my life until then.

While my friend was telling me this is what an irrigation looks like, I was more interested in a man taking a bath in the irrigation canal completely naked and without a care in the world. 

My next stop was in Lagawe, Ifugao. I didn't get a chance to tour around the place and all I saw were buildings and structures. Apparently, the nature tripping spots were at the outskirts. I basically stayed inside the inn all night and all for half-a-day arranging the data I gathered. It was during my data-arranging moment that a parade passed by near the inn and I quickly grabbed my camera to take a picture. 

The parade seemed so out of place in the marketplace where my inn was located. 

I went home to dear old Baguio after Lagawe, had a two-day rest and then I was packing once more for a quick vacation trip to Palawan. After I got back from Palawan, I only had a day to unpack my things and then pack for Abra, my final fieldwork destination. I stayed in Bangued. It was pretty much like Tabuk City. It was so much like what I learned in history: the way the Spaniards strategically located the church as the center of the town and forming the communities under the sound of the bell (I forgot the Spanish term). So there was the church then the town plaza. I also didn't get a chance to tour around the place having arrived late in the afternoon. I only got a chance to take a quick bath then proceed to the office I was tasked to gather data from. It was only on my way back home that I was able to take pictures from the window of the bus. 

The town plaza from the bus window. A quick capture. 

All in all, I had fun riding the bus, touring, observing people, observing places. I'd love to visit Kalinga, Ifugao and Abra again in the future. Maybe I can try some of the delicacies and other activities they offer. I hate being a tourist in my own country but it's a good way to explore and to learn. The good thing about traveling being a part of the job is that you don't have to be a tourist and you avoid acting like one with your main purpose in mind being work. 

The travel took my mind off  the stress of law school, grades, and other depressing thoughts. I had time to think while on the bus on what to do, though. It was not enough time but it was time I got to listen to my inner self. It may not have resulted to ultimate enlightenment but it helped in sorting my plans and feelings out. 

Lakbay Diwa

Masarap magtapos sa isa sa mga kilalang pamantasan sa buong Pilipinas. Pakiramdam mo madami kang natutunan, madami kang pagpipilian, makukuha ka sa lahat ng trabahong aaplayan mo, at higit sa lahat, makakatulong ka sa pagkakaroon ng pagbabago sa bulok na sistema ng lipunan. Dala-dala ang ideyalismo na yan, pakakawalan ka ng Unibersidad ng Pilipinas sa napakagulo at masalimuot na mundo. Napakalayo sa pinag-aralan mong "dapat" sa loob ng unibersidad.

Nung ako ang nagtapos, dala-dala ko pa din ang idealismong ipinunla sa akin ng UP. Ang unang trabaho ko pagkagradweyt ay swak na swak sa tinapos kong kurso: ang maging field interviewer para sa isang proyekto ng UNFPA na ikinomisyon sa UP. Ang trabahong ito ay inalok sakin ng instruktor ko dahil siya ang humawak sa proyektong ito. Sa kasamaang palad, nadismaya ako sa naging takbo ng mga pangyayari. Sobrang pagkadismaya din ang inabot ko sa mga sumunod kong trabaho. Nagdesisyon akong balikan ang akademya. Baka kako dito ko matagpuan ang hinahanap ko. Nagsumite ako ng aplikasyon sa UP para sa Masters in International Studies. Humingi ako at binigyan naman ng rekomendasyon ng tatlo sa mga pinakamagagaling na mga propesor sa UP Baguio. Isa dito ay isang Professor Emeritus. Hindi ko itinuloy ang pagkuha ng Master's Degree, sinayang ko ang magagandang rekomendasyon, ang pagod ng mga nagrekomenda at ang pera na ginastos ko sa pagproproseso ng aplikasyon. Sa halip, nagbayad ako at nagproseso ng mga kailangan para sa entrance exam ng PUP College of Law. Nung hayskul pangarap kong maging abogado dahil sa tatay ko. Nalaman ko noon na kumuha siya ng law pero hindi niya tinapos dahil nabuntis ang nanay ko at mas pinili niyang magtrabaho para may ipakain sa pamilya niya. Humanga at bumilib ako sa desisyon niya kaya nagpasya akong ako ang tutupad sa pangarap niya. Kaya naman nung magtapos ako ng kolehiyo ay muli niyang inungkat ang pagkuha ng abogasya. Nung mga panahong yun ay hindi pa ako handa. Bukod sa wala kaming pera ay napagod ako sa pag-aaral. Sabi ko magpapahinga muna ako. Pagkatapos ng isang taon ng pagkadismaya sa trabaho at sa pakiramdam na walang pinatutunguhan ang buhay ko, nagpasya akong sumubok na. At ayun nga, PUP College of Law ang una akong pili. Kaso napaisip ako nung makita ko ang paaralan. Malayo sa kinagisnan kong medyo mas ligtas na kalagayan ng Baguio. Pakiramdam ko ang lawak ng Maynila at mawawala ako. Napakamahal ng lahat ng bilihin at madalas na palipat-lipat ng sasakyan. Hindi ko kakayanin. Nagpasya akong huwag nang tumuloy sa pagkuha ng entrance exam sa PUP at sa halip ay dito na lang sa Baguio mag-aral. Ayun, pinili ko ang SLU School of Law. 

Dalawang linggo pa lang sa School of Law noon ay gusto ko na magwithdraw ng enrollment. Dinadaga ako. Pakiramdam ko wala akong natutunan nung undergrad. Hindi ako marunong magmemorize at laging palyado sa recitation. Sanay akong magbasa at magproseso, hindi magsaulo. Ang laging banat ng mga instruktor: "Give me what the law says." Ibig sabihin, verbatim. Huwag mong baguhin ayon sa pagkakaintindi mo ang batas. Ibigay mo ang provision word by word kung yun ang hiningi at kung ano ang sinabi ng author ng librong binasa mo kung humingi sila ng paliwanag. Ang katwiran: yung mga nagsulat ng libro ay mga justice o dating justice ng Korte Suprema. Alam nila ang sinasabi nila. Bawal bumuo ng opinyon, maliban na lamang kung ito ay ihahayag mo sa pamamagitang ng pagtatanong na minsan ay hindi masasagot ng instruktor dahil iba ang naintindihan niya sa tanong mo at mahirap na ipaliwanag o ipaintinti kung ano ba talaga yung tinanong mo. Bawal matulog ng lagpas sa limang oras. Gamitin ang oras na gising ka sa pagbabasa. Huwag mo na pakialaman ang mga usapang nagaganap sa hapag-kainan. Magbasa ka ng magbasa ng magbasa kasi kapag nasa klase ka na ay mapapadasal ka ng todo todo. 

Pagkatapos ng isang buong taon sa pag-aaral ng batas, napaisip ako. Ito ba talaga ay para sa akin? Hindi ko naiintindihan madalas ang mga leksyon. Mabababa ang mga nakukuha ko maliban na lang sa Legal Ethics (Naks! Ideal eh) at Environmental Law (naks ulit! ideal pa din eh). Sablay na sa iba. May dalawang linggo na ang nakakalipas nang napag-usapan namin ng kaibigan ko ang tungkol dito. Gradweyt din siya ng UP at sa UP Diliman pa. Siya ng nanguna sa dean's list nung unang semestre at maganda pa din naman ang performance niya sa sumunod na semestre. Kaso nararamdaman niya din ang pag-aalinlangan na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nasa tamang landas ba ako? Umabot na kami sa punto na humihingi ng senyales. Parehong kaming may natanggap na senyales na maaring ang ibig sabihin ay "hindi para sa'yo ito." Pinabasa niya sakin ang commencement speech ni Atty. Darlene Marie Bernabe. Binasa ko naman. 

https://www.facebook.com/notes/darlene-marie-berberabe/up-cssp-2012-commencement-speech-by-darlene-marie-b-berberabe/126476440818891

Ang nasa isip ko pagkatapos basahin ang napagandang speech ni Atty. Bernabe:

1. Napakalaki ang hinihingi at inaasahan sa isang gradweyt ng UP, lalo na yung mga old rate (tulad ko na hindi lumagpas sa 5K ang binabayarang tuition bawat semestre)

2. Tama si Atty. Bernabe, kapag nadapa ay pwede pang bumangon at ipagpatuloy ang laban. Ang problema, walang pampaaral sakin ang magulang ko para sa master's. Hindi din ako honor student tulad niya na malamang ay madaming alok na magagandang trabaho. 

3. Tama din na pwedeng panatilihin ang prinsipyo at manindigan. (humanda ka nga lang sa maaring maging consequence ng paninindigan mo. mapulitika ang lahat ng hanay ng gobyerno at lahat ng organisasyon).

4. Mahirap talaga ng law school. (honor student na siya nun ah, nakaramdam pa din siya ng takot).

5. Mag-isip. Magbreak. Mag-isip. 

Sa ngayon may ilang araw na lang ako para pag-isipan kung itutuloy ko ba ang pag-aaral ng abogasya. Kailangan kong maramdaman na may kabuluhan ang pakikipagbuno ko sa lahat ng hirap sa law school. Kailangan kong maramdaman na igagapang ko ito dahil gusto ko at hindi dahil nahihiya na lang ako o natatakot sa sasabihin ng iba. 

Samantalang naiisip ko din: kapag tumigil ako (pansamantala man o pang-forevermore na), ano ang gagawin ko? Babalik ako sa mga trabahong ikinadismaya ko? Makakahanap ba ako ng mas magandang trabaho? Pagsisisihan ko ba ang gagawin ko?

Ano man ang magin pasya ko, umaasa akong paninindigan ko ito. 

Para sa lahat ng nasa parehong sitwasyon, kampay! Malayo pa ang lalakbayin pero natitiyak kong makakarating din tayo! =D

I'm Home

I am sheltered. That statement is true to some extent. I have realized this a few years back but refused to believe it's true. Instead, I made myself believe that I am independent and fearless. That is not totally true. I have been away from home lots of times for more than a day but my parents never stop getting in touch each day that I'm away. They text, they call and during the times that I do not own a cellphone, they text and call whoever I'm with at the time I am away.

Back in high school, we came back from a fieldtrip so tired that we decided to crash in our classrooms for the night and go home in the morning. I texted my parents that it's impossible to get a cab because it's too late in the night so I'm going to crash in one of the rooms with some of my classmates. A few minutes after I've finally fallen asleep, dad and mom woke me up. I thought I was dreaming. But they're there picking me up because they were worried I'd be sleeping on the concrete floor with no blanket, which is true enough. However, it's a little annoying and embarassing to be the only high school kid in your whole class whose parents came and picked you up and you're not even sickly, sick or dying.

Whenever I go on out of town trips, my parents are the only ones asking me how I am every after meal and then telling me to come home the morning of the day of my scheduled return. While it's sweet, it can really be irritating. I know I can handle myself and I am not at all fragile. Somehow, my staying in my parent's house to this day (I'm freaking 23 years old) makes them think I am still five years old. I tried to live away from them but I did get sick. I went home, got hospitalized and they won't allow me to go away again so I quit my job and went back home. Until now, I know I have to stay with my parents because 1) I save a lot on food and bills, 2) I'm in my comfort zone, 3) I'm going to grad school and I need financial support.

Don't get me wrong. I think my parents are sweet and I know they only want to protect me. However, I believe that teaching a bird how to fly would require that the bird leave the nest and take a few falls in order to  be able to spread its wings without flapping awkawardly and falling again. No matter how hard it is for a mother bird to let go of her little birdies, they have to fly and learn to fend for themselves because it's a fact of life that our parents won't always be here for us. I fear that the only time I can ever leave home permanently is when I get married and have kids of my own and I don't want that to be the case. I really hope not. I'm sheltered but I want to break free soon or else I will never know if I can make it on my own and that's really scary. I'm home right where my parents are but I know I'll have to make my own home in some other place.

Good for Nothing Bad

I'm starting a new philosophy

It's called good for nothing bad

I'm tired of hearing gunshots

As the cries grow worse than sad

I'm raising my fist in defiance

I can't stand more blood spilled

While they fight for freedom

And get mercilessly killed

And others just want to help

Take a step to extend a hand

Guns are nonetheless directed

And they get buried underground

And the earth is slowly dying

While we waste our lives away

We're warned 'bout global warming

Yet we shrug and have nothing to say

So let's start a new philosophy

We're good for nothing bad

Let's take a stand against violence

With the armor of peace, get clad

Yes, everyone will die someday

Of that I know for certain

But 'tis no reason to waste life away

And someday drown in regret and pain

Life is short and yes we know that

Don't let it be good for nothing

Don't let your final days be 

Of endless guilt and suffering

So the good Lord help me stand up

Raise my fist against inhumanity

Give me a voice to shout in anger

Give me justice, fairness and equality

And let these words be open-ended

Such that others may write more lines

Of every principle they want to stand for

As they break out of their confines

Hungkag

Kailan kaya muling mahahanapan ng kulay
ang tanawin habang naglalakbay
ang kulisap, tutubi at paru-paru
ang ulan, araw, ang mga bato?

Kailan muling ang aking mga titik
ay patutungkol sa bawat hagikhik,
bawat hinagpis, bawat halakhak
bawat pagdurusa at bawat palakpak?

Tuluyan na bang nawala
ang mga araw na ang paglikha ng tula
ay hindi dahil bayad ng iba
o di naman kaya'y kanilang dikta?

Tuluyan na bang mamamaalam
sa lahat ng dati'y inaasam-asam
ngayo'y manunulat sa likod ng iba
at ang bawat titik ay bayad na nila.

(orihinal na nilikha noong Hunyo 20, 2010)

Drowning in Regret

Originally written on December 14, 2009. When I wrote this poem I was becoming too aware of lots of unrequited love around me. Mostly, the stories were what I call an "ex factor" where person A falls for person B but person B can't let go of an ex. The poem is really from the person A's point of view. In an unrequited love, a person often suffers watching the love interest not wanting to let go of a past love and still, he/she waits, watches and begs for the person to let go and notice him/her and then end up begging for the heavens to help him/herself let go of the love interest in due time. I don't even know why I'm explaining but people may read it in a different light and totally misinterpret it so I wanted to give some kind of a backgrounder. hehehe.

Drowning in regret 
Will you ever see me
Standing, waiting
While you're drowning in regret

Flickering lights
Hides the tears falling
From innocent eyes
Terrible lies

And you can never let go
Not even if I asked you to
Not if you don't see me
Standing, waiting

Someday, I'll say goodbye
I'll let go of this someday
Will you realize?
I'm saying goodbye

You

You want to put things together

I like to take them apart

You're there on every bad weather

Playing the strings of my heart

Your song keeps playing

On every emotional crash

And my heart starts singing

With every lyrical rush

You're a complicated puzzle

And you say you're really not

But you say one thing is simple

And it leaves my thoughts in a knot

You're a constant picture

That haunts my daydream sketches

Though I know you're heading elsewhere

And not where my path stretches

I know I'm making every damn word rhyme

Though you're not meant to read it

I know I'm running out of time

Yet I'll let it run out frozen where I sit

(20 March 2011)

Bakit Nga Ba?

Bakit nga ba ang hirap na magsulat? Dahil kaya wala na akong nararanasang kasulat-sulat o dahil hindi ko kayang magsulat na walang bayad? Dahil sa puna ng isang kaibigan na inaamag na ang aking blog account, muli kong susubukan. Baka sakali, paunti-unting babalik ang kahusayan ko sa pagsusulat.

***

Wala na bang takot sa AIDS sa panahong ito? Maya't-maya ay nakakarinig ako ng balitang buntis si ganto o nakabuntis si ganyan. Tuwing bumibili ako sa grocery at sa butika, napapansin ko naman na laging may bentang condom. Kadalasan pa nga ay nakalagay ang mga ito sa tabi ng kahera para madali mo na lang patagong isingit sa mga bibilhin mo kapag magbabayad ka na. Oo, bagama't laganap na ang pornograpiya sa panahong ito, nandoon pa rin yung "hiya" sa pagbili ng mga bagay na magbibigay ng ideya sa mga tao sa paligid mo na ikaw ay "sexually active." Lalong "nakakahiyang" bumili ng condom kung teenager ka dahil sa lipunang ginagalawan natin, "nakakahiya" ang makipagsiping kung ikaw ay nasa edad na may "teen" dahil sa maraming kadahilanan. 

Samantalang, wala naman tayong nagagawa upang pigilan ang paglaganap ng pornograpiya. Tuwing manonood ka ng telebisyon, makakakita ka ng patalastas ng isang babaeng nakadamit ng napaigsi at kaakit-akit na hahalik sa isang lalaking makisig at may magandang kaha. Madalas, hindi mo maintindihan kung ang iniendorso ay toothpaste ba o pakikipagtalik. Laganap din ito sa mga pelikula, kanta, komiks, internet, at halos lahat ng uri ng medya kung hindi man lahat. Dumadami ang nabubuntis dahil sa pre-marital sex at pabata ng pabata ang kaswalidad, dumadami ang mga napapbalitang ni-rape, dumadami ang mga batang lansangan, nagiging aktibo ang mga abortion clinics at napakarami pang istatiska ang pwedeng ikabit sa pornograpiya. Sa kabila ng lahat, napakahirap i-endorso ng condom o kahit anong uri ng kontraseptibo.

Bakit ko nga ba naisip magsulat ng tungkol dito? Dahil...

Ah, huwag na lang kaya nating tapusin ang sagot. Mahaba, nakakapagod at paulit-ulit. Ngayon, kung may magtatanong pa sa akin kung bakit ako walang boypren, eto ang sagot ko: sa panahon ngayon, tiyak pag nagkaboypren ka darating ang punto na sa Eurotel, Sogo at iba pang kapareho ang magiging paborito niyong tambayan. Tiyak, maprepressure kang maganda ang suot mong underwear araw-araw. Tiyak magkakaroon ng punto na hindi na niyo maiisip gumamit ng kontraseptibo at magpapadala na lang sa init ng katawan. Para sigurado, gusto kong maging handa bago ako sumabak sa ganitong bakbakan. Bago boypren, gusto ko mayroon na akong bahay, lupa, kotse, maganda at stable na trabaho na may mataas na sweldo, magandang health insurance kung sakaling madali ako ng AIDS, at higit sa lahat, malaking ipon para sa kinabukasan ng batang tiyak na mabubuo sa isang gabi ng pagkakamaling hindi gumamit ng kahit na anong kontraseptibo. 

Gayunpaman, hindi ko sinasabing ito na talaga ang mangyayari. Ang sinasabi ko lang, ito ang gusto ko dahil ito, para sa akin, ang tama. Kung sakaling hindi ko man matupad kahit isa sa mga yan at nagpadala ako sa pusok at init, sana kahit magandang health insurance lang meron ako. Takot talaga ako sa AIDS eh. 

Sunshine and Birds

I should be out there somewhere, enjoying the sun and nature. I should not be cooped up here in my room getting depressed about how my life is turning into. I should be running around the park chasing butterflies, I should be rowing a boat and laughing at myself for not being able to row myself back to the dock, I should be doing anything other than wallowing in self-pity. I get depressed 24/7 and I should just snap out of it.

A lot of people are jobless for months and years. I only have been unemployed for two months. I am trying my best to find a job. I should be viewing this situation as something I have faced proactively since I haven't been just waiting for miracles to happen. I have forwarded my resumes, applied to several companies and I am presently waiting for their reply.

Somehow, the non-response so far is getting me down. I appreciate the sun but I can't bring myself to think positive. Will I inevitably end up with the companies that I have dreaded to belong to? I am still hopeful but the glass is half-empty. I should just listen to that bird chirping by my window but somehow I can't find the inspiration to find that chirp melodious. I find it irritating, noisy and mocking. It seems to be saying, "You are just so confident, weren't you? You just have to tell everybody that your degree will land you a job with an impressive title. You just have to be so reassuring, weren't you? Where are you now? Where's the confidence now, loser?"

C'mon. Where is a slingshot when you need one? Dammit.

Barely Breathing

17 March 2010

endless nights
blinding lights
sparkling tears
bright moonlight

hold your breath
let it out
calm your heart
rest your fears

say it once
say it twice
think of it
put it behind

try to sleep
leave it behind
find yourself
lost in dreams

not for you
just for them

Up, up and Away

29 July 2010

Just pull the trigger, kill the man

I know it's a bullet from my gun

But use it wisely, aim and shoot

Kill the man and grab the loot

I wish life was that exciting

But I always am nothing

Always in my comfort zone

Never left unsafe, alone

So I packed my bags, got ready to go

I'm scared shitless but I won't say no

Said goodbye to only a few

I don't know if I can make it past a week or two

Said goodbye to only a few

Just so only a few know if I failed my plan

Just so there are only a few fears for me, too

Just so a few would be happy that I'm gone

Back in Town

I'm back in town

For a few days now

Here and there

But still somehow

Things are different

Yet they stayed the same

I only got myself to blame

23 August 2010

Friends are here

And some are moving

Some are busy

Some have forgotten

I guess it's just a price to pay

After I tried to run away

I'm back in town

Here, back home

Some are here

But they'll soon move on

The town's a ghost

It haunts me

Yet I'm back

Maybe this time...I'll stay.

Nagbalik

Ako'y muling nagbalik...pagkalipas lang ng ilang araw. Bano. Kala ko kasi tatagal ako. Sabi ko hindi ko susukuan. Sabi ko, palilipasin ko ang mga buwan, taon kung posible, bago ako bumalik dito. Ganun naman talaga, kung may gusto ka...parang lahat ng plano eh hindi puwedeng gawing fool-proof...ayun, wala akong panabla sa sakit.

Nagkasakit..no choice...umuwi. Dahil yun ang gusto nila. Dahil naisip ko na ayokong maging pabigat sa mga kabahay ko, dahil wala akong pera na pangpagamot sa sakit ko. Bitter? Siguro. Hindi ko din alam. Epic fail eh.

Isang konsolasyon lang na babalikan ko ang mga kaibigan...familiar faces, familiar places. Kaso, habang nilalakad ko ang session road, ang SM, ang burnham...hindi ko na maramdaman ang dating sigla. Mag-isa ko noong mga panahong iyon...gusto kong magmuni-muni. Ang tanging mga naiisip ko eh.."Dito kami noon tumatambay, miss ko na ang batch."

Tingin ko, silang lahat ay masaya na sa kanya-kanyang mga buhay. Ako lang yata ang hindi makamove-on. Yung pag-alis ko, ang isa sa mga dahilan ay dahil ayokong ma-stuck na lang dito habambuhay. Dito pinanganak, nag-elementary, nag-highschool, at nagcollege. Wala eh, ganun yata talaga...hihilain ka din pabalik. Ang tanging naisip ko, "Baka naman di pa ako handang lisanin ang lugar na ito?"

Ako'y muling nagbalik...ngunit sa ilang araw, ilang buwan...sila din ay lilisan.

On the bright side of things...

...in Filipino: sa bandang liwanag. Oo naman, dapat madalas tumingin sa bandang liwanag dahil wala ka naman talagang nakikita sa kadiliman. Minsan nakaktulong ang kadiliman pag trip mo mag-isip, magmuni-muni at matulog. Bukod dun...hm, wala na akong maisip pang kagandahan ng kadiliman.

Hehe, medyo lumayo sa dapat puntuhin ng blog na ito. Nitong mga nakaraang araw kasi eh medyo napapaisip ako kung saan na tutungo yung landas na tatahakin ko. Naks. Yung landas pa yung may tutunguhin, 'no? Sige, saan na nga ba ako patungo. Sa totoo lang gusto ko nang kumita. Ngunit sa isang banda eh gusto ko pa rin mag-aral. Kaso lang eh kelangan ko na rin tumulong sa magulang. Ganun talaga. Sabi nga ng pinsan ko, "Cousin, pag grumadweyt ka, araw-araw kang iprepressure maghanap ng trabaho. My advise to you: don't graduate." Haha. May point siya kaso gusto ko na rin grumadweyt eh. Lalo na kasi nararamdaman ko na ang medyo....hm, mawala sa linya ng pag-iisip ng mga mas nakababata sa akin sa organisasyon.

Ganito kasi yun, freshie pa lang ako noon eh close na kami ng mga batchmates ko sa org. Matibay na samahan, ayos na bonding. Kaso noong nauna sila eh medyo mag nakababata talaga yung mga nakasama ko. Oks lang naman yung mga nakakasama ko kaso yung mga iba kasi eh talagang iba mag-isip sa akin at mukhang hindi talaga magkakasundo ang mga ideya namin. Di ko naman sinasabing mali ang ideya nila. Mas nasa pagtanggap ko yata yun.

Sem-ender, daming nangyari. Naramdaman ko din na hindi din talaga ganun kasaya pag wala na nga yung batchmates. Mag-isa ko lang eh. Tapos...aun. Eh di ayun, inenjoy ko pa rin naman yun kahit walang batchmates...ganun talaga. At hindi naman ako nagsisisi na sumama ako. May mga nakakairitang pangyayari...ganun din talaga, hindi maiiwasan, ngunit ayun nga...masaya ako na sumama ako.

Ano nga bang punto ng blog na ito? Diku din lam eh. Bukas siguro kaya ko nang ikonek. =D

naman oh, tsk.

Thesis...walangya. Pag natapos ka ba namin eh yayaman kami bigla? Ewan. Noong nasa proposal pa lang kami eh madalas sabihin ng instruc na "Your thesis is your masterpiece. The mark you will leave in the academe." Wow, talaga lang ha? Bakit naalala ka ba ng mga nakasama mo sa unibersidad dahil sa thesis mo? Tuwing nababanggit ba ang pangalan mo sa mga kaibigan mo sa unibersidad eh yung thesis mo agad ang naalala nila? Hindi eh, mas yung kalokohan mo, yung katamaran mo, yung kagaguhan mo at kung hard-core ka naman na estudyante eh yung sipag mo, yung galing mo at yung pagkabibo mo...hindi yung thesis mo.

Lintik na thesis. Eh mamatay yata ako bago ko pa ito matapos eh. Eto pa, sabi nila papayat ka daw sa kakapuyat. Hindi ah. Bawat puyat eh may katapat na kain. Pano ba naman kasi eh wala nang bisa ang kape. Inaantok na nga ako sa kape eh. Kelangan kong ngumuya ng ngumuya upang manatili akong gising. Ayaw ko din sa energy drink, pakiramdam ko kasi eh magkapareho lang lasa ng tubig sa inodoro at energy drinks kaya hangga't maiiwasan ay hindi ako nag-eenergy drink.

Nakakaasar na. Kahapon pinuntahan namin ang aming adviser upang humingi ng extension of deadline sa first draft. Ewan ko ba naman kasi sa adviser namin kumbakit kailangan pa kaming takutin at sabihing nakapagsubmit na ng first draft yung isa pang advisee niya samantalang proposal pa lang pala naisusumite nila. Dyahe, muntik na akong umiyak sa harap niya eh. Nangatog tuhod ko dun, swear.

Uso na tuloy ang magshades ngayon eh. Hindi dahil summer at masakit sa mata ang sikat ng araw kundi hell month kasi at nagmumukha nang back-up dancers ni MJ sa thriller ang mga tao. Tipong 'pag tinanggal mo yung shades mo eh aawayin ka ng plants. Hehe. Hay buhay. Pag ako nakaraos dito eh magbabackback trip ako sa buong Mountain Province. Wala ako pakelam kahit eleksiyon pa at nagpapatayan ang mga tao. Wehno ngayon? I deserve a break 'no.

Cappuccino French Vanilla (at lamay Pinoy Style)

Kape, libreng pagkain, pasugalan at huntahan. Ito ang hindi mawawala sa isang lamay--pinoy style siyempre.

Oooppppsss, teka lang. Haha. Medyo sumablay ng konti. Yung tinimpla kasing kape ay "Cappuccino French Vanilla," pwedeng ituring na isang senyales na may ilang kamag-anak na mayaman o nakapag-abroad yung mga namatayan. Dagdagan mo pa kasi ng mga tsokolateng snickers, hersheys, basta mga ganyang tipo eh aba, tiba-tiba ang mga naglalamay. Pagkatapos, maraming tinapay.

Sabi ng isang pinsan ko wala pa daw isang oras eh may bagong pagkain na namang ibibigay sa mga naglalamay. Nung dumating ako doon sa lamay ay abala sila sa pag-aabot ng mga sopas na sotanghon. Pagkatapos ay macaroni soup naman. Ilang saglit pa ay nagluto yung isang auntie namin ng pansit. Habang hinahanda ang pansit eh kapeng "French Vanilla" muna ang sinerve. Panalo. =)

Siyempre, kanya-kanya na kaming pagtatabi ng mga masasarap na hinahanda. Tipong ayaw lang naming palamang sa mga nagsusugal. Paano ba naman kasi eh isang bus ng kamag-anakan namin ang dumayo pa doon para lang makilamay at sila pa ang hindi masiba sa pagkain. Samantalang, ang mga nagsusugal ng mga kapitbahay ay sila pa ang mapili at demanding ba. Aba, aba...teka lang ha.

Hay. Sa pang-40 kayang araw eh ganun pa rin? Siguro naman hindi na. Ang sigurado ko lang, ay naku, nandiyan na naman ang mga masisibang sugarol. Pero siguro wala nang French Vanilla dahil inubos na namin kagabi.

Balemtayms

Sige, balemtayms na naman. Andami na namang sabit-sabit na mga korteng puso na malayo naman sa totoong itsura ng puso. Naalala niyo pa ba yung mga titsers niyo nung hayskul na hindi mo malaman kung bitter, nagtritrip o hardcore scientist lang talaga? Yung mga bigla na lang titikhim habang nagbabatian kayo ng "happy balemtayms" sa klase sabay sabi ng, "Class, ang love hindi yan dikta ng puso. Dikta yan ng hypothalamus, parte ng utak...kaya dapat utak ang nakasabit sa mga dingding natin ngayon, hindi korteng puso na malayo naman sa itsura ng puso."

O sige, ma'am. Panalo ka na. Mukhang hindi uubra yung babatiin ka namin ng "Ma'am, happy balemtayms, huwag na po tayo magquiz. Magbalemtayms party na lang tayo." Ayan, inunahan tayo eh. Bano.

Pebrero. Ito na yata ang pinaka-busy na buwan para sa mga nasa hayskul. Isipin mo ah, may balemtayms, may JS prom, may grad ball, may kung hei fat choi, may exams, projects, quizzes, panagbenga (kung nasa Baguio ka), at graduation practice pa minsan. Sabi nila, ang mga taong ipinanganak daw ng Pebrero eh yung mga may, ehem, ssssss----ssss----aya----d. Hehe, alam mo na yun.

Gayunpaman, mas nakapokus kasi ang atensiyon ng lahat sa balemtayms. Ganun talaga eh. Mas masaya kasi pagtuunan ng pansin yung paggawa ng cards, pagbili ng tsokolate, at pagbili ng bulaklak. Siyempre, mas masaya pa tayo kung may nakatanggap tayo ng ilan sa mga nabanggit. Naks! Patay tayo diyan. (Kuntsabahin mo na lang si bespren para kayo na lang magbigayan kung talagang adik ang environment mo sa exchange gifts pag balemtayms at naprepressure ka. Eh kung deadma, eh di yun na yun. Hehe.)

Sa balemtayms din daw kumikita ng malaki ang Hotel Sogo..hehe. Pero tsismis lang yun. Wala akong pruweba dun. Peak season din daw ng may pinapanganak eh November. Tsismis ulit yun. Tsismosa kasi 'tong katabi ko eh. Pero ang hindi na tsismis eh tiba-tiba na naman ang mga nagbebenta ng bulaklak. Dalawang beses daw sa isang taon ang pag-boom ng industriya ng bulaklak--pag balemtayms at tuwing araw ng mga patay. Patay ulit tayo diyan. Ang kulit.

Balemtayms. Gastos, kilig, at ewan. hehe. Naisip ko lang magsulat dahil bugbog na ang utak ko sa kakaintindi dito sa An Alternative Metacritique of Postcolonial, eh basta yun. Hay, ang saya nun ah. Magawa nga ulit yun. Balik muna sa an alterrnnn..basta yun.

Alaysalahatngnabiktimang Mapaglarong Puso

Maraming bagay sa mundo ang madalas nating hindi seryosohin. Acads, biro, trabaho, kaibigan, banat, asaran, at marami pang iba. Sabagay nga naman kasi eh may mga bagay talagang hindi dapat sineseryoso. Iyon lamang may mga bagay namang dapat seryosohin ngunit pinaglalaruan lang natin. Ito ay isang moda para sa isang kaibigan na madalas mabiktima ng mga pusong mapaglaro.

"Don't take my love for granted
For soon it will be gone.
All you ever wanted
Of the love you thought you've won.
Yesterdays are over.
No more wishing for the past..."
-Ilang kataga mula sa tulang ginawa ng nabanggit kong kaibigan

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagagawang paglaruan ng iba ang pusong pinaghirapan nilang amuin. Ano ba ang meron sa mga pusong hindi nakukuntentong magmahal ng isa? Bakit ba ginagawa na lang nilang tropeo ang bawat pusong naloloko nila?

Hindi laruan ang puso. Iisa lang ito sa bawat tao. Kapag sinaktan mo, walang reserbang puso na magsisilbing substitute muna habang naghihilom yung una. Kapag sinaktan mo ang puso ng iba maaring tinuruan mo sila upang manakit ng iba. Paano kung malapit sa'yo ang saktan nila?

Huwag mong paibigin ang pusong nananahimik para lang masabing "Ah, 'langya. Galing nun ah. Akalain mong nahulog sa kanya si____." Sa huli't-huli, magmumukha ka lang tanga sa harap ng lahat ng taong nagmamahal sa kanya. Ayus lang naman siguro kung wala kang pakelam pero maliit lang ang mundo...isa sa mga kaibigan o kapamilya niya ay makakasalamuha mo balang araw. Kapag nagkataon...baka hilingin mong sana hindi ka na lang pinanganak sa mundong ito.

Sa iyong mapaglarong puso, makakahanap ka din ng katapat mo. Kapag nangyari ito, good luck na lang sa iyo.

Addu Ammuk nga Talaga

Hay Apow...I can't seem to get over the fact that most of my friends have graduated from college four days ago and that I will no longer see them in our tambayan in between classes. Oh my, come to think of it...the heavens must have felt my gloom thus the heavy rain during the graduation. Hm, the heavens cried in sympathy/ I shouldn't have been irritated with the rain during that oh-so-melancholic moment.

Uray nu kasjay, I went and bravely watched the graduation ceremony and it was truly agonizing to sit there and watch them march up the stage to recieve their diplomas (which is really just a blank piece of paper...hehe, the real one will be given days later). Random thoughts of what I should have done to be able to graduate on time ran through my mind but what was really almost tearing me apart is the fact that the people I hang out with the most will now go somewhere far and do whatever college graduates do. Well, I know that I still have two of my best buds with me but they're not really the "hanging out, doing nothing" type. The "hanging out, doing nothing" is what I usually do with my college grad friends in order to relieve ourselves of the stress from school work. Who shall I hang out with when I feel stressed and I need to just sit back and relax? Will I be able to drag my (fellow extending) buddies anywhere like I usually do with my college grad friends? What are the odds that I will not become a loner?

I thought that I was over feeling melancholic about these stuff months ago. I know that I'm exaggerating things but I just can't help it. Whew! I'm glad I got that out of my system. Hey, I'm glad they graduated and all...this is just me feeling lonely. I ought to kick myself to shake me out of these uncertainties. But then, I'm a lunatic. I'm lonely one moment and happy the next, angry one moment and ecstatic the next, happy one moment and extremely stressed the next. It's crazy, I know, but it's a crazy world. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I really don't know what I just wrote about. I guess those were just random thoughts that I wanted to jot down to be able to feel less burdened by my dramas in life. I would like to end this by saying congratulations to everyone who made it and I'll catch up soon. Not that I am insisting that you care but I believe I have to constantly repeat "I'll catch up" in order to motivate myself..cheerios!!!